I am.
I am giving up on fighting for the marriage I want.
I have learned so much this week, the Lord has really been working on my heart and I've been having to do some serious digging that has left me bruised and sore.
One of the things I keep seeing is my absolute need for control.
I have a fantasy for what my marriage should look like - how I behave and how my husband reacts. I have clung to this vision for years and it has brought me nothing but sorrow and grief.
I have done more damage to my marriage through this single issue than all other problems combined.
I have a loving husband, who loves me, provides for my family and loves our daughter. He is kind and good, but he is not perfect, and I cannot seem to be able to handle that.
This past week I have been pushing myself to work on my communication, to be quiet and listen - to filter my words and tone before speaking, and I have amazed myself at how little patience and grace I give my husband.
Because I am censoring myself I have been able to take notice of every single time something nasty, negative or critical wants to fly out of my mouth.
It happened multiple times a day, almost within every conversation I found myself biting my tongue, realizing that if I hadn't been purposefully stopping myself I would have been critical again.
It has been eye-opening.
I have realized that my husband cannot live up to my standard, and that, in fact, no man can.
My standard for how I believe I should be loved at all times in impossible for any single man to do, and it is this standard that I keep trying to measure my husband up to, then become crushed when he does not fit my expectation.
Only Christ can fill this expectation, only Christ can give me that peace and all-encompassing love that my soul desires, and I am killing my marriage by trying to turn my husband into Christ.
So I am giving up.
My marriage will never be the fantasy I envision, my husband will never be the perfect man I expect, and I need to recognize the wonderful man that God has given me as my husband, and love him for the flawed person he is, as he loves me.
Giving this up, absolutely, 100% terrifies me. Stepping away, giving my husband space, allowing him to actually be the person he is, and not control how he acts or behaves in this relationship scares me.
That horrid little voice flares up filling my head with lies:
- If you don't control his affection, he will never show it to you.
- If you don't make him be the man you want, you'll never be happy.
- If you don't nag, parent and manipulate you'll never get what you want.
- If you let go, he will abandon you.
Those are my fears, seeing them in a neat list is a little bizarre when I think how each of these statements shake me to my core in fear.
And yet never has there been any proof to support any of these fears.
"I will love you so much, and cling to you, and suffocate you, and nag you and parent you, and make you do what I want, when I want, how I want, until death do us part."
"I will love you so much, and cling to you, and suffocate you, and nag you and parent you, and make you do what I want, when I want, how I want, until death do us part."
And it's so wrong.
I need to let go, I need to find peace and love through Christ and stop forcing my fantasy on my husband.
I know what I need to do, now all I can do is pray to be brave enough to actually face my fears and conquer them.
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me.
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it."
~ Luke 9:23-24
~ The GoodWife
(((((HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteThank you! I could always do with more of those!!
DeleteLove,
~ GW
This is really beautiful. I have had to do that too. I have to make myself give up stewing over little slights or things I think he SHOULD have done or known or said. I have to remember to lift him up and pray for him. I have to remember to love him and be his friend. It's so easy to believe we "deserve" something in particular or we are owed something. In truth, marriage is the joining of two broken souls. I just want to get through this all together with him, with God guiding us along the way... I just found this via Thriving Thursdays. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Steph,
DeleteI'm so glad you found me!
It seems that in the first few years of marriage, we all are just (generally) happy to live off love - but after a while, we just start to take eachother for granted, and what we think we deserve, or our "entitlement" really starts getting in the way.
We look at everyone else's marriage, or what we're fed from the media, and think: "Well I deserve that!"
It's so understandable, but yes, so, so flawed!
You're so right that spouses are two broken, imperfect people - and that's why we are so in need of a perfect God to help us.
Thanks for your comment!
Love,
~ GW
I'm glad I found you too :) I read that there are "love chemicals" in the body from the early days and up until about 2 years or so and then they change or lessen. So we bond during those hyper charged times but then the work begins, I guess. I just went through this all tonight, having to stay calm when hubby was all upset about something small (on other days it's him that has to stay calm when I'm upset, LOL). Sigh. I keep trying my best every day.
DeleteHm, I'll have to look up those love chemicals. (I wonder I could buy them in a bottle??? ;) )
DeleteIt's the "keep trying" part that's the most difficult, I agree. But it's the natural order of a relationship to have hard times - things can't always be a bed of roses and then the fit hits the shan, it's that "keep trying" attitude that keeps us going!
Well that and a lot of prayer, chocolate, coffee and sometimes shoes.... ;)
Love,
~ GW
If were honest, so many wives struggle with these same things: control and fear. And it is as old as time, for our mother Eve dealt with the same thing after the fall: "Then He said to the woman,
ReplyDelete“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
and in pain you will give birth.
And you will desire to control your husband,
but he will rule over you."" (Genesis 3:16)
So, you are certainly not alone. I, too, have had to let go and give way to God. And, realize that only Christ can fulfill my deepest longings. My sweet husband is just like me, a sinner--saved by grace. He will fail, he will disappoint, he will do wrong. But I've had to ask myself, is that any different from me? Of course not, because I have disappointed, I have failed, and I have done wrong. So, this will be a daily yeilding to God and a renewing of the mind's thoughts. Hang in there and know you are not alone!
-Stacie
Stacie,
DeleteThank you so much for commenting! Your reply really uplifted me and encouraged me.
It's so hard, and you do really start to 'feel alone', and that's when I start to feel the most discouraged.
What you said is exactly right, it boils down to control and fear. And those two things are a powerful force for one person to deal with.
Thank God for his grace!
Love,
~ GW