The Cost

It can be amazingly easy to 'fake it.'
We don't hate each other, so when we're not butting heads, living together can be tolerable, and even quite pleasant at times.
You almost forget that things underneath all the "sweetie", "honey" and "babe's" there's a huge tangle of a mess.

We've decided to have a weekly date night, and so chose Monday to have it, as we have easy access to family members babysitting for us.
This will be our third date in 6 months, and all we're doing is going out for coffee at 4pm.

It's a time for us to have some time to look over the past week and talk about 'The Relationship'.
A time to share the good as well as the bad.

We're also, probably going to this: http://powertochange.com/familylife/events/weekend-to-remember/
A marriage conference/weekend retreat that will be going on just a couple hours from where we live.
Husband is happy enough to go, but several things are making me cautious:
1) Baby is still nursing, though at 13 m.o would probably be fine spending the weekend with the Grandparents.
2) The cost.

I know you can't put a price on your marriage, but I'm a tad peeved that the one retreat we're thinking of going to is the 2nd most expensive for accommodations.
It's $200.00 for the conference alone, then on top of that, you pay for your own accommodations, which at the place it's being hosted charges $139.00 a night, oh and there's still food to pay for as well.
That's a lot of money to spend when your husband is retraining and in college.

But we need to make a decision soon.

We'll see.

- The Good Wife

3:26AM

I wish I could say: "I don't know how we got here" but I do know.
The reality of how bad it is, was the honest surprise.
Having had the bomb dropped last week I am still reeling from the implications of Husbands honesty.
It's quite something to have the person you love most in the world tell you they resent you, feel no empathy towards you, have a heart hardened and felt bullied into having a child with you.

In my stupid, little head I honestly thought our lack of sex-life was the issue.
I was manipulated to believe that health and guilt over past sins kept Husband away.
Turns out I was repellent enough in my own right.

I told Husband tonight that my ignorance was easier.
I was desperate for him, his love, his touch. Now I find myself cold.
His kisses, once greatly sought after, are quick unsubstantial pecks, more a meeting of the mouths, though more often cheek, than anything passionate or loving.
I told him as much.

Oddly enough we had sex this week, breaking our six week dry spell.
Afterward, I realized something...Nothing had changed. He was distant as ever, I was still numb.
No magical moment happened, no great passion burned or romance blossomed.
Previously I was so desperate for intimacy that I thought such a physical act of love would surely break down the walls that had formed between us.

This week I realized it couldn't.
A fact that shattered my last illusion about my marriage.

I have cried my tears, raged against what I could - there is no innocent party here.
I get the benefit of speaking from only my own experiences, but I will not make myself out to be a victim.
I know I have made the bed I now lie in.

I feel as though I truly am married to a stranger.
My husband, the man I married is in here somewhere.
I just pray I see him again.

- The Good Wife

The Facts

The blog will document in all it's gritty truth the story of how my marriage failed. Or how it was saved.

After only 4 years of marriage - these are the facts:

1) I have crushed my husbands spirit, unknowingly.
2) He greatly resents me.
3) Neither of us want a divorce.
4) We love each other (as of right now.)
5) There is no intimacy in our marriage.
6) He has distanced himself from me in an act of self-preservation.
7) I was ignorant of all this until recently.
8) Having fully comprehended how resented I am and how much my marriage is in shambles, I too have distanced myself.

Yes I want this marriage to work, yes I'm willing to try and make it work, but how hard can one fight when their heart is hardening?

- The Good Wife