The Courage To Feel

I have horrible timing.

The thought flashed though my head as I sat in the office chair, arms crossed over my chest, in the pitch black with Hubby sitting up in the bed opposite me.
This was, most likely, the most sane thought I had since we had started this current argument at 12:45pm.
The clock flashed 2:00am, I chose to ignore it.

This was the third fight in 3 days over what was a stupid misunderstanding, and I could recognise that.
The reason I was still awake, my face puffy from crying wasn't because of our little spat before bed, it was the fear of sinking into that black hole again of living like roommates.

The last month had been good. So few spats, lots of loving gestures and lots of grace.

I don't know exactly when that stopped...again.

Can you base love off of fact, rather than feeling?

This was my main struggle, Husband told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, adored our child and the thought of not being together broke his heart.
So why didn't I feel any of that?

Did I think he was lying? No, I do think way, down deep he speaks truth.
In my head I see a movie of his grumpy moods, his uninterested behaviour, his 2-syllable answer to everything.
Am I missing something? Maybe I'm not noticing when he's happy? Or chatty? Or wanting to be close? Am I just biased? 

I start to doubt myself, and become ashamed of my feelings. Somewhere down inside, I start to feel badly for Husband, it's 2am, he's tired and wanted to come back to this discussion tomorrow morning.

I wouldn't let him.
He would compartmentalise it, put it in it's box and have a good solid 8-10 hours sleep.
I would toss and turn and cry and every sort of horrible thought would go through my head; how could I just leave it until tomorrow? Did he even know what he was asking?
Logically, it made sense, I understood it. We were both tired and probably not even thinking properly, to come back to it really did make the most sense, but I just couldn't accept having that horrible of a night - maybe I should have.

When do I separate emotions from logic? Where is the line drawn where I can say: "No, this is just me being oversensitive."

Are my feelings as important as fact?
To be happy do I need to always feel happy? loved? cherished?

In my head I don't think I'm asking for too much, but to have someone constantly fill those needs, is it even humanly possible?

I put my face in my hands, glad for the darkness that surrounds both of us.

"No, I don't want to give up, but right now marriage feels like a beating, and it's hard to say: "I'm good with that."

Husband agreed, I knew it wasn't any easier for him.
Finally I had a moment of clarity: "What I need to get through this, I don't think you can give." I told him. "To get through this I need to feel cherished, loved and desired. Not a burden to be endured."

He was silent, I really didn't expect much of a response at this point.

"You're not a burden." He told me.

"Well, that's how I feel."

Silence.

Again with how I feel. 
How important is how I feel?

 "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." ~ Proverbs 29:11


- The GoodWife

Pain of Pride

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate 

but through being the right mate." ~ Barnett R. Brickner

We decided to go to the marriage retreat. 

The mountain resort we stayed in was breathtaking, the rooms were gorgeous and the view spectacular. 

However, we were both there to work, and the conference took full advantage of that.
Sessions started at 9am and went until 5pm. Though there were lots of breaks and 'homework' to do, that we never felt we had been sitting too long or became uninterested.

There was maybe 100-120 people there, so quite small, which I appreciated very much.  

Topics ranged from why marriages fail, how to fight fairly, how to meet each others emotional needs, sex, intimacy, parenting and how to sustain a good marriage.

Husband and I sat side-by-side for all of it except for one 45 minutes session where the women separated from the men.

Saturday night was set aside for a "date night", something I was very much looking forward to - I had even gone and borrowed a fabulous back-less dress from a friend to wear out.
I was loving the thought of being able to primp and preen and feel that I looked desirable and sexy for Husband. 

It was no surprise that the last session on Saturday before we ended for the day was on Sex and Intimacy. 

I inwardly groaned, this was our sticking point. The largest most obvious thorn in our marriage, and we'd be having to discuss it. 

In my heart I knew this wouldn't end well.

We listened to the session then got sent away to do our 'homework', basically a page of questions, which we answer then share with your spouse.

In our room, I sat across from husband and looked at the dreary, almost depressing answers I had written down.

I had to rate my "satisfaction with our sexual intimacy" - then put the answer I thought Husband would pick. 

The surprising part was that Husband really knew how messed up our sex life was. I had thought that maybe he was ignorant to how this was happening and effecting me, but 99% of our answers matched up. 

This took me back because as the spouse with the higher libido, I had to let Husband control our sex-life, so I assumed he found our sex-life good.
After all, it was him who determined how much and when, all he had to do was call me up like some kid sitting on the bench waiting for a turn to play, and I'd happily run over. 

The talks started out very peaceable, until I realised that while we now knew where each other was coming from, this did essentially nothing to fix our problems.

My heart sank as I listened to his answers, and all I could think was: How am I supposed to go on a date with you now? I want to feel desired and romantic - how can I possibly do that with a man who finds sex so stressful he doesn't even desire it?

That's when I broke down - when I stopped restraining my tongue. 

My pride killed me. 

I felt so stupid and foolish.  I had let myself believe that this would fix things; that we could go out on our romantic date come back to our beautiful hotel room and be intimate. Like a normal couple.

The lingerie I had so carefully bought just for this occasion, mocked me from inside my suitcase.

How could I have been so stupid? The thought tore me to pieces. 

Then the Spirit moved.

I was sitting in the bathroom crying, feeling completely hopeless. 

Husband had said little, or maybe I had just heard little, but when I looked up he was standing in the doorway, his face drawn and sad.

"Things can't be fixed instantly." He said quietly. "You know I'm working on this, we both are, and we've had such a wonderful weekend so far."

"How can I go out with you now? A romantic dinner is the last place I want to be!" I cried. 

"I want to go. I want to go with you and spend time with you."

Finally my ears started to open.

"This is a process. You're not foolish for wanting things to be fixed, but we can't expect it to happen instantly. Please." He said quietly. 

I felt the Spirit whisper to me that he was speaking truth, and that I needed to listen and not harden myself. 

Something amazing happened - my sobs stopped and peace settled into my heart. 

I cleared my throat and rubbed my face. I knew how much I loved this man, and how much I wanted to be with him, and how badly I wanted to have a romantic dinner with him. 

Instead of only sensing how I felt, I suddenly saw how patient and gentle Husband was being with me, when he had every right to take offence to the nasty words I had thrown his way, how he could have blamed me, as easily as I had just blamed him.

"You're right." I admitted. "This is a process, Thank you for reminding me."

I was amazed what had just come out of my mouth, never in a million years had I thought myself to be calmed this easily over what was such a painful issue. 

Through the grace of God, and Husbands words, I was able to back away, to look at the situation and beat down my own pride.

An hour later I walked out of the resort smiling with my Husband ready for child-free, delicious dinner focusing entirely on my Husband. 

What had changed? 

Nothing. 

Nothing but my own reaction - and it had made a world of difference. 

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32

~ The Good Wife

I Must Decrease

My marriage has to be a priority. 

It has to be above other issues, desires and plans.

It has to be above family and friendships.

The only thing more important than my marriage is my relationship with Christ.

When I looked into my husbands eyes on the day I married him, I completely believed that nothing would be important than him and our relationship. 

The future looked bright and full of possibilities and I would have agreed to live in a box, as long as it was with him. 

Inevitably, reality set in.

Suddenly I realized I couldn't "live off love," and my knight in shining armor wasn't quite as polished as I thought.

Somewhere between moving all over the country, being laid-off from work, living through unemployment, my marriage slipped between the cracks. 

We became stressed - the pressure from multiple responsibilities pressed down on us and instead of rallying and baring the weight together, it pushed us apart.

This week we had an opportunity to rent-to-own a house, in a beautiful countryside. 

I was sorely tempted, Husband seemed very interested. 

After having only ever lived in small apartments, a home in the country seemed like a dream come true.

Some fundamental flaws however, stuck out.

The commute into the city for one, the 3 year lease we'd have to sign, the fact that we only have one car, and I'd literally be "stuck" in the middle of nowhere, all day, every day. 

We went to see the house - my palms started to sweat, my heart thudding in my chest, the positive looks Husband kept flashing me didn't soothe my fears.

Too many red flags! This could be a huge mistake! 

"How do you feel?" I asked Husband for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I like it, it's beautiful out here." He responded. 

That annoyed tick began to creep up again.

"Of course it's beautiful! But I'm not the one who would have to drive for an hour each way to work!" I snapped.

Husband clammed up. A self-defense move he's taken when I push him for an opinion he's not ready (or resistant) to give.

That's when I realized why this felt like such a bad idea:

This is too much. To try to take on moving to a new home with all these potential issues, our marriage doesn't need this. We can't do this right now.

I knew if we decided to do this, it would put another huge stress on our marriage.

We're just starting to work through our serious issues, and this would or could cause even more of them.

The house and moving would inevitably become our priority. 

Even though I desire a house so badly, I had to make a decision, not on what I wanted but what was best for us. 

I spoke candidly to Husband, and he agreed that it would add stress, and after thinking about it, agreed that it was too much of a risk at the moment, not just from a practical standpoint, but a relational one as well.

Slowly I'm learning how to focus on more than just myself, what I believe my needs are, and the importance of my desires. 

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

I must become less.

God can and will work miracles in my marriage, I believe that with all my heart, but I need to give Him room to work.
He must increase, and I must decrease.

~ The Good Wife

Turning Away Wrath

Is marriage meant to make you happy or holy?

A question I've been struggling with for weeks.

My first reaction is: "Can't it be both?"

Well, yes, in a perfect world, with a perfect spouse and your own perfect attitude, I suppose it could be possible.
But with this very imperfect marriage, I don't think the former can be expected - at least not all the time.
Very few people decide to get married to make themselves "holy." They marry because they love another person, and that person makes them happy.

So what do you do when all of a sudden, they stop?

I was tired, the baby was fussy, the house a mess. I was feeling particularly hard-done by, and my husband comes home from school, grumpy and tired.

Hey! I'm tired too, you know! I wanted to shout. You're not the only one who works hard!

His shoulders were hunched, he looked like he'd be ready and willing for a row if I decided to bring one up.
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation, then this verse slammed into my head with such power I was almost bowled over:

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

I slowly closed my mouth and watched him thump up to the bedroom, which also doubles as his office, where I knew the rest of the night would be spent studying for his midterms.

I remained downstairs, finally put the baby to bed and went into the bedroom.

I'd like to say that verse turned my attitude around, but it hadn't.

My heart was still hard, I was still hurt, still tired, still annoyed.

For a few moments I stood there, watching him stare bleary-eyed at the computer screen, his shoulders drooped, and I was hit by how exhausted he looked; and not just tired, but like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

I was there to talk to him, though really, to talk at him. Tell him what I thought and felt, how upset and hurt I was - but as I looked at him, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

"You look tired." I said softly, as if I was trying to soothe an angry animal.

He sighed and rubbed his face.

"You want a massage?" I knew this more than anything would tempt him; he's a huge fan of back massages and very, very rarely ever turns one down.
Like I predicted, it worked.
As I started to rub his back, I noticed I wasn't quite as annoyed anymore.
I wasn't happy, but I was deciding to serve him through my own issues, something, I'm ashamed to say, I've never done.

I never hide my feelings, or rather, put someone else's above my own, especially when it's someone I'm annoyed with.

I said nothing as I watched my strong husband's eyes mist over, didn't inquire as he cleared his throat and fought with his emotions.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked quietly.

I never knew such a small sentence would open such a big door.
He confided in me that he was extremely stressed over his school and finances. His marks weren't what he expected them to be, and our debt higher than he thought.

And on top of that I stood demanding more of his time, for him to act the way I wanted him to, expected him to, and suffer the consequences of  a scorned wife if he didn't. I thought.

I kissed his shoulder and let go of my anger, of my self-righteousness and the pedestal I demand he balance on.

I'm still hurt, and still hurting.

Things aren't "fixed", but I'm learning how to finally put my husband before myself; to love him when he's unloving, to give grace when mistakes are made, and deciding to love no matter what.

Can my marriage make me happy? It can, but that is not the purpose of it.
I am to strive for holiness, and pray that through that, my marriage will become a happier one.

Sincerely,
The Good Wife

The Cost

It can be amazingly easy to 'fake it.'
We don't hate each other, so when we're not butting heads, living together can be tolerable, and even quite pleasant at times.
You almost forget that things underneath all the "sweetie", "honey" and "babe's" there's a huge tangle of a mess.

We've decided to have a weekly date night, and so chose Monday to have it, as we have easy access to family members babysitting for us.
This will be our third date in 6 months, and all we're doing is going out for coffee at 4pm.

It's a time for us to have some time to look over the past week and talk about 'The Relationship'.
A time to share the good as well as the bad.

We're also, probably going to this: http://powertochange.com/familylife/events/weekend-to-remember/
A marriage conference/weekend retreat that will be going on just a couple hours from where we live.
Husband is happy enough to go, but several things are making me cautious:
1) Baby is still nursing, though at 13 m.o would probably be fine spending the weekend with the Grandparents.
2) The cost.

I know you can't put a price on your marriage, but I'm a tad peeved that the one retreat we're thinking of going to is the 2nd most expensive for accommodations.
It's $200.00 for the conference alone, then on top of that, you pay for your own accommodations, which at the place it's being hosted charges $139.00 a night, oh and there's still food to pay for as well.
That's a lot of money to spend when your husband is retraining and in college.

But we need to make a decision soon.

We'll see.

- The Good Wife

3:26AM

I wish I could say: "I don't know how we got here" but I do know.
The reality of how bad it is, was the honest surprise.
Having had the bomb dropped last week I am still reeling from the implications of Husbands honesty.
It's quite something to have the person you love most in the world tell you they resent you, feel no empathy towards you, have a heart hardened and felt bullied into having a child with you.

In my stupid, little head I honestly thought our lack of sex-life was the issue.
I was manipulated to believe that health and guilt over past sins kept Husband away.
Turns out I was repellent enough in my own right.

I told Husband tonight that my ignorance was easier.
I was desperate for him, his love, his touch. Now I find myself cold.
His kisses, once greatly sought after, are quick unsubstantial pecks, more a meeting of the mouths, though more often cheek, than anything passionate or loving.
I told him as much.

Oddly enough we had sex this week, breaking our six week dry spell.
Afterward, I realized something...Nothing had changed. He was distant as ever, I was still numb.
No magical moment happened, no great passion burned or romance blossomed.
Previously I was so desperate for intimacy that I thought such a physical act of love would surely break down the walls that had formed between us.

This week I realized it couldn't.
A fact that shattered my last illusion about my marriage.

I have cried my tears, raged against what I could - there is no innocent party here.
I get the benefit of speaking from only my own experiences, but I will not make myself out to be a victim.
I know I have made the bed I now lie in.

I feel as though I truly am married to a stranger.
My husband, the man I married is in here somewhere.
I just pray I see him again.

- The Good Wife

The Facts

The blog will document in all it's gritty truth the story of how my marriage failed. Or how it was saved.

After only 4 years of marriage - these are the facts:

1) I have crushed my husbands spirit, unknowingly.
2) He greatly resents me.
3) Neither of us want a divorce.
4) We love each other (as of right now.)
5) There is no intimacy in our marriage.
6) He has distanced himself from me in an act of self-preservation.
7) I was ignorant of all this until recently.
8) Having fully comprehended how resented I am and how much my marriage is in shambles, I too have distanced myself.

Yes I want this marriage to work, yes I'm willing to try and make it work, but how hard can one fight when their heart is hardening?

- The Good Wife