I Must Decrease

My marriage has to be a priority. 

It has to be above other issues, desires and plans.

It has to be above family and friendships.

The only thing more important than my marriage is my relationship with Christ.

When I looked into my husbands eyes on the day I married him, I completely believed that nothing would be important than him and our relationship. 

The future looked bright and full of possibilities and I would have agreed to live in a box, as long as it was with him. 

Inevitably, reality set in.

Suddenly I realized I couldn't "live off love," and my knight in shining armor wasn't quite as polished as I thought.

Somewhere between moving all over the country, being laid-off from work, living through unemployment, my marriage slipped between the cracks. 

We became stressed - the pressure from multiple responsibilities pressed down on us and instead of rallying and baring the weight together, it pushed us apart.

This week we had an opportunity to rent-to-own a house, in a beautiful countryside. 

I was sorely tempted, Husband seemed very interested. 

After having only ever lived in small apartments, a home in the country seemed like a dream come true.

Some fundamental flaws however, stuck out.

The commute into the city for one, the 3 year lease we'd have to sign, the fact that we only have one car, and I'd literally be "stuck" in the middle of nowhere, all day, every day. 

We went to see the house - my palms started to sweat, my heart thudding in my chest, the positive looks Husband kept flashing me didn't soothe my fears.

Too many red flags! This could be a huge mistake! 

"How do you feel?" I asked Husband for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I like it, it's beautiful out here." He responded. 

That annoyed tick began to creep up again.

"Of course it's beautiful! But I'm not the one who would have to drive for an hour each way to work!" I snapped.

Husband clammed up. A self-defense move he's taken when I push him for an opinion he's not ready (or resistant) to give.

That's when I realized why this felt like such a bad idea:

This is too much. To try to take on moving to a new home with all these potential issues, our marriage doesn't need this. We can't do this right now.

I knew if we decided to do this, it would put another huge stress on our marriage.

We're just starting to work through our serious issues, and this would or could cause even more of them.

The house and moving would inevitably become our priority. 

Even though I desire a house so badly, I had to make a decision, not on what I wanted but what was best for us. 

I spoke candidly to Husband, and he agreed that it would add stress, and after thinking about it, agreed that it was too much of a risk at the moment, not just from a practical standpoint, but a relational one as well.

Slowly I'm learning how to focus on more than just myself, what I believe my needs are, and the importance of my desires. 

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

I must become less.

God can and will work miracles in my marriage, I believe that with all my heart, but I need to give Him room to work.
He must increase, and I must decrease.

~ The Good Wife

Turning Away Wrath

Is marriage meant to make you happy or holy?

A question I've been struggling with for weeks.

My first reaction is: "Can't it be both?"

Well, yes, in a perfect world, with a perfect spouse and your own perfect attitude, I suppose it could be possible.
But with this very imperfect marriage, I don't think the former can be expected - at least not all the time.
Very few people decide to get married to make themselves "holy." They marry because they love another person, and that person makes them happy.

So what do you do when all of a sudden, they stop?

I was tired, the baby was fussy, the house a mess. I was feeling particularly hard-done by, and my husband comes home from school, grumpy and tired.

Hey! I'm tired too, you know! I wanted to shout. You're not the only one who works hard!

His shoulders were hunched, he looked like he'd be ready and willing for a row if I decided to bring one up.
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation, then this verse slammed into my head with such power I was almost bowled over:

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

I slowly closed my mouth and watched him thump up to the bedroom, which also doubles as his office, where I knew the rest of the night would be spent studying for his midterms.

I remained downstairs, finally put the baby to bed and went into the bedroom.

I'd like to say that verse turned my attitude around, but it hadn't.

My heart was still hard, I was still hurt, still tired, still annoyed.

For a few moments I stood there, watching him stare bleary-eyed at the computer screen, his shoulders drooped, and I was hit by how exhausted he looked; and not just tired, but like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

I was there to talk to him, though really, to talk at him. Tell him what I thought and felt, how upset and hurt I was - but as I looked at him, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

"You look tired." I said softly, as if I was trying to soothe an angry animal.

He sighed and rubbed his face.

"You want a massage?" I knew this more than anything would tempt him; he's a huge fan of back massages and very, very rarely ever turns one down.
Like I predicted, it worked.
As I started to rub his back, I noticed I wasn't quite as annoyed anymore.
I wasn't happy, but I was deciding to serve him through my own issues, something, I'm ashamed to say, I've never done.

I never hide my feelings, or rather, put someone else's above my own, especially when it's someone I'm annoyed with.

I said nothing as I watched my strong husband's eyes mist over, didn't inquire as he cleared his throat and fought with his emotions.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked quietly.

I never knew such a small sentence would open such a big door.
He confided in me that he was extremely stressed over his school and finances. His marks weren't what he expected them to be, and our debt higher than he thought.

And on top of that I stood demanding more of his time, for him to act the way I wanted him to, expected him to, and suffer the consequences of  a scorned wife if he didn't. I thought.

I kissed his shoulder and let go of my anger, of my self-righteousness and the pedestal I demand he balance on.

I'm still hurt, and still hurting.

Things aren't "fixed", but I'm learning how to finally put my husband before myself; to love him when he's unloving, to give grace when mistakes are made, and deciding to love no matter what.

Can my marriage make me happy? It can, but that is not the purpose of it.
I am to strive for holiness, and pray that through that, my marriage will become a happier one.

Sincerely,
The Good Wife