I have horrible timing.
The thought flashed though my head as I sat in the office chair, arms crossed over my chest, in the pitch black with Hubby sitting up in the bed opposite me.
This was, most likely, the most sane thought I had since we had started this current argument at 12:45pm.
The clock flashed 2:00am, I chose to ignore it.
This was the third fight in 3 days over what was a stupid misunderstanding, and I could recognise that.
The reason I was still awake, my face puffy from crying wasn't because of our little spat before bed, it was the fear of sinking into that black hole again of living like roommates.
The last month had been good. So few spats, lots of loving gestures and lots of grace.
I don't know exactly when that stopped...again.
Can you base love off of fact, rather than feeling?
This was my main struggle, Husband told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, adored our child and the thought of not being together broke his heart.
So why didn't I feel any of that?
Did I think he was lying? No, I do think way, down deep he speaks truth.
In my head I see a movie of his grumpy moods, his uninterested behaviour, his 2-syllable answer to everything.
Am I missing something? Maybe I'm not noticing when he's happy? Or chatty? Or wanting to be close? Am I just biased?
I start to doubt myself, and become ashamed of my feelings. Somewhere down inside, I start to feel badly for Husband, it's 2am, he's tired and wanted to come back to this discussion tomorrow morning.
I wouldn't let him.
He would compartmentalise it, put it in it's box and have a good solid 8-10 hours sleep.
I would toss and turn and cry and every sort of horrible thought would go through my head; how could I just leave it until tomorrow? Did he even know what he was asking?
Logically, it made sense, I understood it. We were both tired and probably not even thinking properly, to come back to it really did make the most sense, but I just couldn't accept having that horrible of a night - maybe I should have.
When do I separate emotions from logic? Where is the line drawn where I can say: "No, this is just me being oversensitive."
Are my feelings as important as fact?
To be happy do I need to always feel happy? loved? cherished?
In my head I don't think I'm asking for too much, but to have someone constantly fill those needs, is it even humanly possible?
I put my face in my hands, glad for the darkness that surrounds both of us.
"No, I don't want to give up, but right now marriage feels like a beating, and it's hard to say: "I'm good with that."
Husband agreed, I knew it wasn't any easier for him.
Finally I had a moment of clarity: "What I need to get through this, I don't think you can give." I told him. "To get through this I need to feel cherished, loved and desired. Not a burden to be endured."
He was silent, I really didn't expect much of a response at this point.
"You're not a burden." He told me.
"Well, that's how I feel."
Silence.
Again with how I feel.
How important is how I feel?
"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." ~ Proverbs 29:11
- The GoodWife
