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I am a Child of God, Wife, and Mother. This is my story.

Thursday 5 December 2013

When Did It Become Sweet?


"When I have learnt to Love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."
~ C.S. Lewis

I don't quite know when it happened.
Somewhere between October and now, sweetness slowly started to filter back into our marriage.
I know it's only been two months, but when you've been waiting for something for years, two months can seem like a awful large blessing. 
A few days ago I found myself smiling; smiling for no apparent reason other than I was happy.
That heavy weight I had been carrying around, the weight of an unbalanced marriage, the weight of pain, rejection, hurt, bitterness, somewhere I had slowly gotten rid of it.
Like an onion being slowly peeled, those emotions were no longer as forefront as they once were, and seemingly, without notice, were slowly being discarded.
I stood there in the middle of my kitchen, smiling and realizing why I was feeling happy, but not knowing when all this had happened.

I thought, I tried to go over moments that perhaps had "changed" everything, but nothing really stuck out. Life had carried on as usual, there was work, bills, baby caring, dirty laundry, dinners, all the regular, ordinary things.

Then I noticed something, something was missing.
Where were the fights? The angry words and feelings? Where was the rejection? The depression?
I could remember spats of course, little moments of thoughtlessness, or overtired snappings, but they had all been resolved quickly and well. 
I suddenly felt the impact of what we had been 'missing' and was surprised that I hadn't realized it sooner.
Things had just been so...peaceful. 

But just as parts of what had become our daily life were now gone, there had been some additions as well. 
I thought of my quiet-time, how even though lately I hadn't been doing my big hour-long every morning study, I still picked up my red little New Testament and read a chapter or so before sleeping.
I thought about how my "quiet season" of holding my tongue turned surprisingly into habit, that now keeping the more critical things from leaving my mouth was easier, and seeing my kindness being returned to me through little touches, gestures, smiles and laughter.
I thought of now when I feel impatient or an unwarranted snap, that now I respond to Husbands hurt questions with: "You're right, I'm upset because ______. I shouldn't be snapping, I'm sorry." and how it seems to immediately stop an argument from forming. 

And I pray. 
Constantly.
For my marriage, my husband, our life, our child. 
I try to cover him in prayer everyday, from everything to safe travel to spiritual warfare. 
Even when he's stressed I've started to hold him and tell him to be quiet, because I need to pray for him.

These things, have somehow come together to put the sweetness back into our marriage, and to be honest, I'm nervous. 
I'm so scared that it'll leave again, but I remind myself that I control my own actions, and I have a wonderful God who is fighting for this marriage with me.

This marriage has felt like such a long walk along a dark path, finally I'm starting to see the sunrise and I will praise God for it and do everything I can to preserve it. 

~ The GoodWife