Turning Away Wrath

Is marriage meant to make you happy or holy?

A question I've been struggling with for weeks.

My first reaction is: "Can't it be both?"

Well, yes, in a perfect world, with a perfect spouse and your own perfect attitude, I suppose it could be possible.
But with this very imperfect marriage, I don't think the former can be expected - at least not all the time.
Very few people decide to get married to make themselves "holy." They marry because they love another person, and that person makes them happy.

So what do you do when all of a sudden, they stop?

I was tired, the baby was fussy, the house a mess. I was feeling particularly hard-done by, and my husband comes home from school, grumpy and tired.

Hey! I'm tired too, you know! I wanted to shout. You're not the only one who works hard!

His shoulders were hunched, he looked like he'd be ready and willing for a row if I decided to bring one up.
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation, then this verse slammed into my head with such power I was almost bowled over:

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

I slowly closed my mouth and watched him thump up to the bedroom, which also doubles as his office, where I knew the rest of the night would be spent studying for his midterms.

I remained downstairs, finally put the baby to bed and went into the bedroom.

I'd like to say that verse turned my attitude around, but it hadn't.

My heart was still hard, I was still hurt, still tired, still annoyed.

For a few moments I stood there, watching him stare bleary-eyed at the computer screen, his shoulders drooped, and I was hit by how exhausted he looked; and not just tired, but like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

I was there to talk to him, though really, to talk at him. Tell him what I thought and felt, how upset and hurt I was - but as I looked at him, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

"You look tired." I said softly, as if I was trying to soothe an angry animal.

He sighed and rubbed his face.

"You want a massage?" I knew this more than anything would tempt him; he's a huge fan of back massages and very, very rarely ever turns one down.
Like I predicted, it worked.
As I started to rub his back, I noticed I wasn't quite as annoyed anymore.
I wasn't happy, but I was deciding to serve him through my own issues, something, I'm ashamed to say, I've never done.

I never hide my feelings, or rather, put someone else's above my own, especially when it's someone I'm annoyed with.

I said nothing as I watched my strong husband's eyes mist over, didn't inquire as he cleared his throat and fought with his emotions.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked quietly.

I never knew such a small sentence would open such a big door.
He confided in me that he was extremely stressed over his school and finances. His marks weren't what he expected them to be, and our debt higher than he thought.

And on top of that I stood demanding more of his time, for him to act the way I wanted him to, expected him to, and suffer the consequences of  a scorned wife if he didn't. I thought.

I kissed his shoulder and let go of my anger, of my self-righteousness and the pedestal I demand he balance on.

I'm still hurt, and still hurting.

Things aren't "fixed", but I'm learning how to finally put my husband before myself; to love him when he's unloving, to give grace when mistakes are made, and deciding to love no matter what.

Can my marriage make me happy? It can, but that is not the purpose of it.
I am to strive for holiness, and pray that through that, my marriage will become a happier one.

Sincerely,
The Good Wife