I Must Decrease

My marriage has to be a priority. 

It has to be above other issues, desires and plans.

It has to be above family and friendships.

The only thing more important than my marriage is my relationship with Christ.

When I looked into my husbands eyes on the day I married him, I completely believed that nothing would be important than him and our relationship. 

The future looked bright and full of possibilities and I would have agreed to live in a box, as long as it was with him. 

Inevitably, reality set in.

Suddenly I realized I couldn't "live off love," and my knight in shining armor wasn't quite as polished as I thought.

Somewhere between moving all over the country, being laid-off from work, living through unemployment, my marriage slipped between the cracks. 

We became stressed - the pressure from multiple responsibilities pressed down on us and instead of rallying and baring the weight together, it pushed us apart.

This week we had an opportunity to rent-to-own a house, in a beautiful countryside. 

I was sorely tempted, Husband seemed very interested. 

After having only ever lived in small apartments, a home in the country seemed like a dream come true.

Some fundamental flaws however, stuck out.

The commute into the city for one, the 3 year lease we'd have to sign, the fact that we only have one car, and I'd literally be "stuck" in the middle of nowhere, all day, every day. 

We went to see the house - my palms started to sweat, my heart thudding in my chest, the positive looks Husband kept flashing me didn't soothe my fears.

Too many red flags! This could be a huge mistake! 

"How do you feel?" I asked Husband for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I like it, it's beautiful out here." He responded. 

That annoyed tick began to creep up again.

"Of course it's beautiful! But I'm not the one who would have to drive for an hour each way to work!" I snapped.

Husband clammed up. A self-defense move he's taken when I push him for an opinion he's not ready (or resistant) to give.

That's when I realized why this felt like such a bad idea:

This is too much. To try to take on moving to a new home with all these potential issues, our marriage doesn't need this. We can't do this right now.

I knew if we decided to do this, it would put another huge stress on our marriage.

We're just starting to work through our serious issues, and this would or could cause even more of them.

The house and moving would inevitably become our priority. 

Even though I desire a house so badly, I had to make a decision, not on what I wanted but what was best for us. 

I spoke candidly to Husband, and he agreed that it would add stress, and after thinking about it, agreed that it was too much of a risk at the moment, not just from a practical standpoint, but a relational one as well.

Slowly I'm learning how to focus on more than just myself, what I believe my needs are, and the importance of my desires. 

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

I must become less.

God can and will work miracles in my marriage, I believe that with all my heart, but I need to give Him room to work.
He must increase, and I must decrease.

~ The Good Wife