I Must Decrease

My marriage has to be a priority. 

It has to be above other issues, desires and plans.

It has to be above family and friendships.

The only thing more important than my marriage is my relationship with Christ.

When I looked into my husbands eyes on the day I married him, I completely believed that nothing would be important than him and our relationship. 

The future looked bright and full of possibilities and I would have agreed to live in a box, as long as it was with him. 

Inevitably, reality set in.

Suddenly I realized I couldn't "live off love," and my knight in shining armor wasn't quite as polished as I thought.

Somewhere between moving all over the country, being laid-off from work, living through unemployment, my marriage slipped between the cracks. 

We became stressed - the pressure from multiple responsibilities pressed down on us and instead of rallying and baring the weight together, it pushed us apart.

This week we had an opportunity to rent-to-own a house, in a beautiful countryside. 

I was sorely tempted, Husband seemed very interested. 

After having only ever lived in small apartments, a home in the country seemed like a dream come true.

Some fundamental flaws however, stuck out.

The commute into the city for one, the 3 year lease we'd have to sign, the fact that we only have one car, and I'd literally be "stuck" in the middle of nowhere, all day, every day. 

We went to see the house - my palms started to sweat, my heart thudding in my chest, the positive looks Husband kept flashing me didn't soothe my fears.

Too many red flags! This could be a huge mistake! 

"How do you feel?" I asked Husband for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I like it, it's beautiful out here." He responded. 

That annoyed tick began to creep up again.

"Of course it's beautiful! But I'm not the one who would have to drive for an hour each way to work!" I snapped.

Husband clammed up. A self-defense move he's taken when I push him for an opinion he's not ready (or resistant) to give.

That's when I realized why this felt like such a bad idea:

This is too much. To try to take on moving to a new home with all these potential issues, our marriage doesn't need this. We can't do this right now.

I knew if we decided to do this, it would put another huge stress on our marriage.

We're just starting to work through our serious issues, and this would or could cause even more of them.

The house and moving would inevitably become our priority. 

Even though I desire a house so badly, I had to make a decision, not on what I wanted but what was best for us. 

I spoke candidly to Husband, and he agreed that it would add stress, and after thinking about it, agreed that it was too much of a risk at the moment, not just from a practical standpoint, but a relational one as well.

Slowly I'm learning how to focus on more than just myself, what I believe my needs are, and the importance of my desires. 

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

I must become less.

God can and will work miracles in my marriage, I believe that with all my heart, but I need to give Him room to work.
He must increase, and I must decrease.

~ The Good Wife

Turning Away Wrath

Is marriage meant to make you happy or holy?

A question I've been struggling with for weeks.

My first reaction is: "Can't it be both?"

Well, yes, in a perfect world, with a perfect spouse and your own perfect attitude, I suppose it could be possible.
But with this very imperfect marriage, I don't think the former can be expected - at least not all the time.
Very few people decide to get married to make themselves "holy." They marry because they love another person, and that person makes them happy.

So what do you do when all of a sudden, they stop?

I was tired, the baby was fussy, the house a mess. I was feeling particularly hard-done by, and my husband comes home from school, grumpy and tired.

Hey! I'm tired too, you know! I wanted to shout. You're not the only one who works hard!

His shoulders were hunched, he looked like he'd be ready and willing for a row if I decided to bring one up.
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation, then this verse slammed into my head with such power I was almost bowled over:

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

I slowly closed my mouth and watched him thump up to the bedroom, which also doubles as his office, where I knew the rest of the night would be spent studying for his midterms.

I remained downstairs, finally put the baby to bed and went into the bedroom.

I'd like to say that verse turned my attitude around, but it hadn't.

My heart was still hard, I was still hurt, still tired, still annoyed.

For a few moments I stood there, watching him stare bleary-eyed at the computer screen, his shoulders drooped, and I was hit by how exhausted he looked; and not just tired, but like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders.

I was there to talk to him, though really, to talk at him. Tell him what I thought and felt, how upset and hurt I was - but as I looked at him, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

"You look tired." I said softly, as if I was trying to soothe an angry animal.

He sighed and rubbed his face.

"You want a massage?" I knew this more than anything would tempt him; he's a huge fan of back massages and very, very rarely ever turns one down.
Like I predicted, it worked.
As I started to rub his back, I noticed I wasn't quite as annoyed anymore.
I wasn't happy, but I was deciding to serve him through my own issues, something, I'm ashamed to say, I've never done.

I never hide my feelings, or rather, put someone else's above my own, especially when it's someone I'm annoyed with.

I said nothing as I watched my strong husband's eyes mist over, didn't inquire as he cleared his throat and fought with his emotions.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked quietly.

I never knew such a small sentence would open such a big door.
He confided in me that he was extremely stressed over his school and finances. His marks weren't what he expected them to be, and our debt higher than he thought.

And on top of that I stood demanding more of his time, for him to act the way I wanted him to, expected him to, and suffer the consequences of  a scorned wife if he didn't. I thought.

I kissed his shoulder and let go of my anger, of my self-righteousness and the pedestal I demand he balance on.

I'm still hurt, and still hurting.

Things aren't "fixed", but I'm learning how to finally put my husband before myself; to love him when he's unloving, to give grace when mistakes are made, and deciding to love no matter what.

Can my marriage make me happy? It can, but that is not the purpose of it.
I am to strive for holiness, and pray that through that, my marriage will become a happier one.

Sincerely,
The Good Wife

The Cost

It can be amazingly easy to 'fake it.'
We don't hate each other, so when we're not butting heads, living together can be tolerable, and even quite pleasant at times.
You almost forget that things underneath all the "sweetie", "honey" and "babe's" there's a huge tangle of a mess.

We've decided to have a weekly date night, and so chose Monday to have it, as we have easy access to family members babysitting for us.
This will be our third date in 6 months, and all we're doing is going out for coffee at 4pm.

It's a time for us to have some time to look over the past week and talk about 'The Relationship'.
A time to share the good as well as the bad.

We're also, probably going to this: http://powertochange.com/familylife/events/weekend-to-remember/
A marriage conference/weekend retreat that will be going on just a couple hours from where we live.
Husband is happy enough to go, but several things are making me cautious:
1) Baby is still nursing, though at 13 m.o would probably be fine spending the weekend with the Grandparents.
2) The cost.

I know you can't put a price on your marriage, but I'm a tad peeved that the one retreat we're thinking of going to is the 2nd most expensive for accommodations.
It's $200.00 for the conference alone, then on top of that, you pay for your own accommodations, which at the place it's being hosted charges $139.00 a night, oh and there's still food to pay for as well.
That's a lot of money to spend when your husband is retraining and in college.

But we need to make a decision soon.

We'll see.

- The Good Wife

3:26AM

I wish I could say: "I don't know how we got here" but I do know.
The reality of how bad it is, was the honest surprise.
Having had the bomb dropped last week I am still reeling from the implications of Husbands honesty.
It's quite something to have the person you love most in the world tell you they resent you, feel no empathy towards you, have a heart hardened and felt bullied into having a child with you.

In my stupid, little head I honestly thought our lack of sex-life was the issue.
I was manipulated to believe that health and guilt over past sins kept Husband away.
Turns out I was repellent enough in my own right.

I told Husband tonight that my ignorance was easier.
I was desperate for him, his love, his touch. Now I find myself cold.
His kisses, once greatly sought after, are quick unsubstantial pecks, more a meeting of the mouths, though more often cheek, than anything passionate or loving.
I told him as much.

Oddly enough we had sex this week, breaking our six week dry spell.
Afterward, I realized something...Nothing had changed. He was distant as ever, I was still numb.
No magical moment happened, no great passion burned or romance blossomed.
Previously I was so desperate for intimacy that I thought such a physical act of love would surely break down the walls that had formed between us.

This week I realized it couldn't.
A fact that shattered my last illusion about my marriage.

I have cried my tears, raged against what I could - there is no innocent party here.
I get the benefit of speaking from only my own experiences, but I will not make myself out to be a victim.
I know I have made the bed I now lie in.

I feel as though I truly am married to a stranger.
My husband, the man I married is in here somewhere.
I just pray I see him again.

- The Good Wife

The Facts

The blog will document in all it's gritty truth the story of how my marriage failed. Or how it was saved.

After only 4 years of marriage - these are the facts:

1) I have crushed my husbands spirit, unknowingly.
2) He greatly resents me.
3) Neither of us want a divorce.
4) We love each other (as of right now.)
5) There is no intimacy in our marriage.
6) He has distanced himself from me in an act of self-preservation.
7) I was ignorant of all this until recently.
8) Having fully comprehended how resented I am and how much my marriage is in shambles, I too have distanced myself.

Yes I want this marriage to work, yes I'm willing to try and make it work, but how hard can one fight when their heart is hardening?

- The Good Wife