In The Lion's Den (Dealing with Depression prt 1)

I just remember being so confused.

Why was it that I could be having a lovely day, then Husband would come home and ruin it? How did he manage to suck the fun and enjoyment out of everything?
How could I look forward all day to him walking through the front door, home from work, only to want to be pushing him back out only a few hours later?

At first, I really thought it was my fault.
Maybe when he'd only respond with grunts or one-syllable answers, it was because I was annoying him; maybe his snarky attitude and wanting to rain on my parade was because I was being too much in his face and he needed time.
After a few years of this, I just couldn't take it anymore.

He'd walk around like his dog died, he had no patience for anything and while he was never aggressive or outright mean, he had a very distinct way of putting up walls, shutting me out, not talking, not sharing not even making eye contact.
Living with him was miserable. He literally, actually made me miserable when he was like this.
It'd last a week or so, then it'd get a little better, only to start back on the same path again.

The stupid thing is, it wasn't me that figured out he was depressed. I think at some point I asked him: "Are you depressed?" Husband responded: "No", and I left it.
It was my mother that finally connected everything.
I had phoned her crying, I had never done that before but I was at the complete end of my rope. My husband was become a room-mate; a room-mate that I was wondering if I even wanted anymore!

My mother answered the phone happily enough, and asked the usual "How are you doing?"
Before I could really even respond I started to cry.

"I don't know what's wrong with him! Everything is awful to him, he's never happy, he never wants to do anything! I keep trying to make him happy, but all he's doing is making me miserable!"

After some gentle probing, my mother suggested that he was maybe struggling with depression, I began to make excuses but everything she was saying was starting to click.
She suffers from seasonal depression disorder and recognized the classic signs of depression right away; I have never suffered from it, so didn't even really think to consider depression.
We talked, I calmed down, and I vowed to do research.

I read everything I could about depression, including the different types of depression disorders.
If I was going to come to Husband with this theory I was going to be armed to the hilt.

....

He brushed me off.

He didn't think he had depression, he wasn't always miserable, we were just going through a tough time, all his behaviour had excusable reasons...to him.
No matter what I did, or threatened I couldn't make him go to the doctor or make an appointment, and really, it was up to him.
For the next 12 months, I kept my eyes on his moods, how he reacted, what he did and how he felt.
I started to journal and finally hands shaking I gave him this:

"What's this?" He asked sullenly. (He was in one of his what I call "down cycles" )

"Look at it." I shoved it more under his nose. "I have been tracking this for the past 4 months, and it is like clockwork. You cycle through the same depression every 2-3 weeks, and during that time you make my life a living hell."
Husband finally started to study what I had shoved at him:

"This is you. This is your cycle and you are here." I motioned to my third point.

I watched curiously as he read through my journal entry:

Cycle of Depression

1) Normal "low" (he was never really happy at this point)

2) Feeling "blue"/"down"

3) Becomes non-verbal/Un-communicative/Monosyllabic

4) Distances self/Apathetic/Refuses to acknowledge issues

5) Finds basic communication draining/Puts up walls/Ignores

6) Physically removes self/Avoids people, talking, anything social

7) Loses patience/Easily angered/Starts lashing out at people too close to his "space"

8) Slight upswing/Empathy kicks in/Remorse/Sadness/Desire to "do better"

Rinse and repeat every 2-3 weeks.

Husband put a hand to his face, and was silent a long time. I could tell he was mentally checking off every little detail I had so carefully written down.

"I do this." 

It wasn't a question, it was a statement.
Finally he saw it.

"I cannot live with you doing this to me and our child every month."  I had to be harsh, he had to understand that even though he though his depression wasn't hurting anyone but him, he was doing almost irreparable damage to our family.

"I understand that." He agreed sadly. 

"Which is why I'm making you an appointment with our doctor. You need to talk to someone, we need to figure this out. You aren't happy and neither am I." 

I lowered the boom, either he was going to accept my help or reject it, and I had no idea what my next step would be if I was brushed off again. 

"Ok." 

I started to breathe again, this was hopefully going to be the step in the right direction we needed; just a little bit of light was starting to peek through the darkness that had surrounded us for so long.
Now we just needed to figure out what to do next.

Prt. 2 to come.

Love, 

~ The Good Wife

We've Come A Long Way

We have come a long way.

Looking back, and rereading my old posts I so clearly remember the heartbreak and just how weary I always felt.
Every day was a struggle to find the joy and peace with being married.
Husband and I still have such a long way to go, but at least now we’re walking that path together instead of away from each other.
There are three things I attribute to our marriage being (thus far) successful.

1) Finding counselling.
We both got to a point where we knew what our issues were, where each other stood, but had absolutely no idea how to move forward. How to get past those issues or even begin to repair them. 

     That’s when we decided to look for couples counselling. Husband was not very keen, he was worried that he would be automatically painted as the ‘bad guy’ and wouldn’t get a chance to say his part.
But after much talking I got him to agree to ONE session.
Our counsellor was a middle aged Christian woman who had been a therapist for years and was associated with a Christian Counselling center. She was wonderful.
Completely no-nonsense, no fluff, no “just pray it away” go-to answers.
She DUG, by the end of a session you literally felt sore. It was like getting a cavity filled at the dentists; that pain of digging up all the most painful, more harmful stuff and laying it out in the light to be assessed and examined.
It was completely emotionally draining for both of us, and it was very clear right from day one that this was both our problems and no spouse would carry all the blame.
I was amazed how my introverted, barely speaking husband would totally open up to her about his emotions and feelings, how she could keep him going and ask those tough questions that he’d actually respond to!
He learned how to fight down his resentment, I learned how to fight fairly.   

     
2) Getting a Doctor involved.
Husband was never treated for depression, however based on what he’s told me, he should have been diagnosed in his early teens. Getting him to a doctor to talk about depression took me about 2 years. Finally he admitted defeat and like most of our negotiations I asked him to go to one appointment and just talk with our GP. 

      After he was put on some depression medication, the change was amazing! It’s still hard for him admitting he has depression, but he’s slowly shaking off that stigma that admitting a mood disorder is a weakness.

3) So, so much prayer.
 I could not find the strength myself to be able to deal with the stress our marriage was under, and I should have quit several times over at what was our worst point. Prayer was my outlet, it was peace and calm. It gave me hope and purpose, and is absolutely one of the reasons why I was able to keep going.

      So where are we now?

We’re ok. We have good days and bad days, we still fight and argue, but are both better at forgiving and forgetting.
The thing with marriage is that its always changing, the relationship is fluid and you need to be able to flow with it.
After having our second child our entire dynamic changed again, and a lot of those nasty habits of taking each other for granted, being overly critical or resentful started creeping back in.
Thankfully now, we know the warning signs and were able to nip it in the bud before it could really take hold.
Some days marriage can be so easy, others – well I wonder why I married a quiet, serious, stubborn introvert, when I’m a loud, fun-loving, hot-mess of an extrovert.
We really do drive each other insane sometimes.
It’s all about compromise, negotiating and making sure to express gratitude.
That and every once in a while flushing the toilet while he’s in the shower when I’m annoyed. ;)

    Love,

~ The Good Wife