We've Come A Long Way

We have come a long way.

Looking back, and rereading my old posts I so clearly remember the heartbreak and just how weary I always felt.
Every day was a struggle to find the joy and peace with being married.
Husband and I still have such a long way to go, but at least now we’re walking that path together instead of away from each other.
There are three things I attribute to our marriage being (thus far) successful.

1) Finding counselling.
We both got to a point where we knew what our issues were, where each other stood, but had absolutely no idea how to move forward. How to get past those issues or even begin to repair them. 

     That’s when we decided to look for couples counselling. Husband was not very keen, he was worried that he would be automatically painted as the ‘bad guy’ and wouldn’t get a chance to say his part.
But after much talking I got him to agree to ONE session.
Our counsellor was a middle aged Christian woman who had been a therapist for years and was associated with a Christian Counselling center. She was wonderful.
Completely no-nonsense, no fluff, no “just pray it away” go-to answers.
She DUG, by the end of a session you literally felt sore. It was like getting a cavity filled at the dentists; that pain of digging up all the most painful, more harmful stuff and laying it out in the light to be assessed and examined.
It was completely emotionally draining for both of us, and it was very clear right from day one that this was both our problems and no spouse would carry all the blame.
I was amazed how my introverted, barely speaking husband would totally open up to her about his emotions and feelings, how she could keep him going and ask those tough questions that he’d actually respond to!
He learned how to fight down his resentment, I learned how to fight fairly.   

     
2) Getting a Doctor involved.
Husband was never treated for depression, however based on what he’s told me, he should have been diagnosed in his early teens. Getting him to a doctor to talk about depression took me about 2 years. Finally he admitted defeat and like most of our negotiations I asked him to go to one appointment and just talk with our GP. 

      After he was put on some depression medication, the change was amazing! It’s still hard for him admitting he has depression, but he’s slowly shaking off that stigma that admitting a mood disorder is a weakness.

3) So, so much prayer.
 I could not find the strength myself to be able to deal with the stress our marriage was under, and I should have quit several times over at what was our worst point. Prayer was my outlet, it was peace and calm. It gave me hope and purpose, and is absolutely one of the reasons why I was able to keep going.

      So where are we now?

We’re ok. We have good days and bad days, we still fight and argue, but are both better at forgiving and forgetting.
The thing with marriage is that its always changing, the relationship is fluid and you need to be able to flow with it.
After having our second child our entire dynamic changed again, and a lot of those nasty habits of taking each other for granted, being overly critical or resentful started creeping back in.
Thankfully now, we know the warning signs and were able to nip it in the bud before it could really take hold.
Some days marriage can be so easy, others – well I wonder why I married a quiet, serious, stubborn introvert, when I’m a loud, fun-loving, hot-mess of an extrovert.
We really do drive each other insane sometimes.
It’s all about compromise, negotiating and making sure to express gratitude.
That and every once in a while flushing the toilet while he’s in the shower when I’m annoyed. ;)

    Love,

~ The Good Wife