Pain of Pride

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate 

but through being the right mate." ~ Barnett R. Brickner

We decided to go to the marriage retreat. 

The mountain resort we stayed in was breathtaking, the rooms were gorgeous and the view spectacular. 

However, we were both there to work, and the conference took full advantage of that.
Sessions started at 9am and went until 5pm. Though there were lots of breaks and 'homework' to do, that we never felt we had been sitting too long or became uninterested.

There was maybe 100-120 people there, so quite small, which I appreciated very much.  

Topics ranged from why marriages fail, how to fight fairly, how to meet each others emotional needs, sex, intimacy, parenting and how to sustain a good marriage.

Husband and I sat side-by-side for all of it except for one 45 minutes session where the women separated from the men.

Saturday night was set aside for a "date night", something I was very much looking forward to - I had even gone and borrowed a fabulous back-less dress from a friend to wear out.
I was loving the thought of being able to primp and preen and feel that I looked desirable and sexy for Husband. 

It was no surprise that the last session on Saturday before we ended for the day was on Sex and Intimacy. 

I inwardly groaned, this was our sticking point. The largest most obvious thorn in our marriage, and we'd be having to discuss it. 

In my heart I knew this wouldn't end well.

We listened to the session then got sent away to do our 'homework', basically a page of questions, which we answer then share with your spouse.

In our room, I sat across from husband and looked at the dreary, almost depressing answers I had written down.

I had to rate my "satisfaction with our sexual intimacy" - then put the answer I thought Husband would pick. 

The surprising part was that Husband really knew how messed up our sex life was. I had thought that maybe he was ignorant to how this was happening and effecting me, but 99% of our answers matched up. 

This took me back because as the spouse with the higher libido, I had to let Husband control our sex-life, so I assumed he found our sex-life good.
After all, it was him who determined how much and when, all he had to do was call me up like some kid sitting on the bench waiting for a turn to play, and I'd happily run over. 

The talks started out very peaceable, until I realised that while we now knew where each other was coming from, this did essentially nothing to fix our problems.

My heart sank as I listened to his answers, and all I could think was: How am I supposed to go on a date with you now? I want to feel desired and romantic - how can I possibly do that with a man who finds sex so stressful he doesn't even desire it?

That's when I broke down - when I stopped restraining my tongue. 

My pride killed me. 

I felt so stupid and foolish.  I had let myself believe that this would fix things; that we could go out on our romantic date come back to our beautiful hotel room and be intimate. Like a normal couple.

The lingerie I had so carefully bought just for this occasion, mocked me from inside my suitcase.

How could I have been so stupid? The thought tore me to pieces. 

Then the Spirit moved.

I was sitting in the bathroom crying, feeling completely hopeless. 

Husband had said little, or maybe I had just heard little, but when I looked up he was standing in the doorway, his face drawn and sad.

"Things can't be fixed instantly." He said quietly. "You know I'm working on this, we both are, and we've had such a wonderful weekend so far."

"How can I go out with you now? A romantic dinner is the last place I want to be!" I cried. 

"I want to go. I want to go with you and spend time with you."

Finally my ears started to open.

"This is a process. You're not foolish for wanting things to be fixed, but we can't expect it to happen instantly. Please." He said quietly. 

I felt the Spirit whisper to me that he was speaking truth, and that I needed to listen and not harden myself. 

Something amazing happened - my sobs stopped and peace settled into my heart. 

I cleared my throat and rubbed my face. I knew how much I loved this man, and how much I wanted to be with him, and how badly I wanted to have a romantic dinner with him. 

Instead of only sensing how I felt, I suddenly saw how patient and gentle Husband was being with me, when he had every right to take offence to the nasty words I had thrown his way, how he could have blamed me, as easily as I had just blamed him.

"You're right." I admitted. "This is a process, Thank you for reminding me."

I was amazed what had just come out of my mouth, never in a million years had I thought myself to be calmed this easily over what was such a painful issue. 

Through the grace of God, and Husbands words, I was able to back away, to look at the situation and beat down my own pride.

An hour later I walked out of the resort smiling with my Husband ready for child-free, delicious dinner focusing entirely on my Husband. 

What had changed? 

Nothing. 

Nothing but my own reaction - and it had made a world of difference. 

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32

~ The Good Wife