3:26AM

I wish I could say: "I don't know how we got here" but I do know.
The reality of how bad it is, was the honest surprise.
Having had the bomb dropped last week I am still reeling from the implications of Husbands honesty.
It's quite something to have the person you love most in the world tell you they resent you, feel no empathy towards you, have a heart hardened and felt bullied into having a child with you.

In my stupid, little head I honestly thought our lack of sex-life was the issue.
I was manipulated to believe that health and guilt over past sins kept Husband away.
Turns out I was repellent enough in my own right.

I told Husband tonight that my ignorance was easier.
I was desperate for him, his love, his touch. Now I find myself cold.
His kisses, once greatly sought after, are quick unsubstantial pecks, more a meeting of the mouths, though more often cheek, than anything passionate or loving.
I told him as much.

Oddly enough we had sex this week, breaking our six week dry spell.
Afterward, I realized something...Nothing had changed. He was distant as ever, I was still numb.
No magical moment happened, no great passion burned or romance blossomed.
Previously I was so desperate for intimacy that I thought such a physical act of love would surely break down the walls that had formed between us.

This week I realized it couldn't.
A fact that shattered my last illusion about my marriage.

I have cried my tears, raged against what I could - there is no innocent party here.
I get the benefit of speaking from only my own experiences, but I will not make myself out to be a victim.
I know I have made the bed I now lie in.

I feel as though I truly am married to a stranger.
My husband, the man I married is in here somewhere.
I just pray I see him again.

- The Good Wife