Dying to Self

Slowly it's getting easier.

I noticed it while I was fuming over washing dirty dishes, it was a Sunday and I had wanted to go to church, but was unable to because Husband had a previous commitment, even though I was annoyed I remembered my goals and came to an understanding that this was just life, and I would have to handle my disappointment.
Later I received a text telling me he was planning on going out afterwards, to his brother's church where he played on the worship team - this put me firmly into the "sunday all day/night alone with baby."

I was ticked - all I had wanted was a couple of hours in the morning to go to church, and now I was having to have another long, solo-parenting evening while Husband did what he wanted to.

I started to scrub the dishes harder.

Like there wasn't enough long days, and with the baby being, well...2, those days generally weren't filled with easy-goingness and happy times. It was work! Hard work! Not to mention keeping the house clean, getting laundry done, making special-diet meals and grocery shopping.

My pot was practically glowing by this point.

Finally I took a breath and I prayed: Lord, I am so frustrated and tired right now. Help me to check my attitude and focus on the good..

Slowly I started to feel that knot of annoyance loosen just a tad, suddenly I remembered all my prayers about Husbands spiritual life and praying that he would feel closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. How I had shed tears over his faith and being so worried that he was falling away.
I bowed my head and sighed.

Here I was, getting upset because he wants to go to Church. Shouldn't I be considering this as an answer to prayer, rather than an annoyance?

Finally my pride snapped, and I was able to let go of that anger that had started to boil inside.

Husband and I had, previous to this pot-washing incident, exchanged a quick phone conversation, and he knew by the tone of my voice that I was not in the best of moods, though when he asked, I denied it, of course.
Later that evening he came through the door, with his proverbial tail between his legs and clearly expected a row about the change in plans.
He casually asked how I was doing, (testing the waters, no doubt) and by that point I was actually able to be happy to see him and greet him with love and kindness.

Husband seems a little surprised, this was definitely not what he was expecting, and almost immediately he apologized for changing plans on the fly, and hoped that I wasn't upset.
Wow...this was a change!

A normal chain of events would have been:

• Change of plans
• I get mad
• Give husband cold treatment/guilt to get him to apologize
• Husband defends actions and digs in his heels
• I get hurt because he wouldn't apologize or consider my feelings
• Husband gets annoyed because I'm manipulating him
• We fight until midnight, sleep separately and have a horrible night and next day.

But I was able to circumvent this by simply "letting go."

It's still a struggle and I think for a long time, it will be - putting my will aside for another's is extremely difficult and doesn't come easily to my nature, but I'm seeing real changes in how my marriage works when I started changing my own behavior for my own sake. 

Please don't misunderstand, this is something I am doing for me. I am changing myself not to become quote/unquote perfect wife, but rather wanting to be a Godly woman, and part of that is practicing humility and self-control, and through that I am seeing positive results in my marriage.

It is a daily 'dying to self' and ever so slowly, I feel that, through much prayer and help from the Holy Spirit, that I am able to accomplish this more easily.
I don't know if I'm seeing more sweetness and kindness in my Husband, or if I'm finally able to focus on what was already there.

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. 

For whoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."

~ Matthew 16: 24-25 

My marriage is that dirty pot.
It's a good pot, a sturdy one that has gone through lots of wear and tear and has some dents in it, I just need to scrub it, not only see it for the burn marks, and the gunk stuck on it. I need to wash it, and care for it, and it should last for many, many years.


~ The Good Wife

The Straight Path

"Do you have any free time this evening?" I asked Husband, a couple of days ago.

"Yeah, I think so.." He responded offhandedly. "Why?"

"Because I'd like to talk."

"...talk? Talk about what?"

I already could hear the hesitation in his voice, he had been married to me long enough that when I asked to "talk" he knew I wasn't wanting to discuss the weather.

"I'd rather not get into it right now, but maybe when the baby's asleep?" I asked, avoiding his question.

Husband agreed, but I could read all sorts of emotions on his face, and I couldn't blame him. He was trying to mentally prepare himself for this 'talk' and had no idea what he was going up against. Was it going to be a grievance? A confession? A problem?

Needless to say, as soon as the baby was in bed, Husband was by my side wanting to know (or get it over with) our talk.

There were three things I wanted to discuss:

• His resentment
• Our therapist
• Our prayer life

We both knew at this point that resentment was the main underlying issue in our marriage, and when the therapist asked him how he was on a scale from 1-10 (ten being the highest) on how resentful he was 2 months ago, he said without thinking: "10".

Ouch.

Then she asked where he was now. This he had to think about for a bit before saying: "7-8".

That actually hurt me more - I was really hoping that it wasn't that high, but once I had found a chance to think about it, it was progress, so I should be realizing this as good news, instead of feeling discouraged that things weren't 'clipping' along at the pace I wanted. 

Having a spouse resent you is such a difficult emotion to process. I've found myself feeling very helpless to 'fix' anything. This is something he needs to work through and let go of himself.

I don't believe that I carry around much resentment for my Husband, and so I have a hard time understand his inability to just "let it go". A fact that I'm ashamed to say, has even caused me to speak those words in anger towards him. 

One of the things I am learning is that resentment, in our case, was built over time through actions and dirty fighting.

I am a dirty fighter, I fight to win and I have a very quick and sharp tongue. Husband is a slow processor, it's just his personality and he has always been this way; so when we get into an argument, before he's even had the chance to respond to my first attack, I've already cut him 5 more times, and he literally just shuts down because he cannot even begin to keep up, or be as nasty as I am.

Learning how to "fight fairly" and to settle a disagreement so "everybody wins" is like learning to speak a new language for me.

Things that I'm being taught have never even occurred to me, I'm finding it quite the learning curve, and just keep praying to remember what I have been taught the next time we get into an argument. 

Finally I gently brought up our prayer life.

Husband and I used to pray together when we were first married, then as things started to get worse in our marriage, when Husband was dealing with his depression, he sort of just fell away from God. 

It's not that he stopped believing or even attending church, he just found no comfort in God's Word and fell into this spiritual melancholy.

This is still an issue for him, so I was hesitant to bring up his spiritual life, very much not wanting to start another argument or have him feel that I'm harping on another issue. 

I very gently said that I'd like to start praying together, for our marriage.

That's it. 

He sat for a moment and thought (a habit I really need to learn from him) before telling me that he would be game for that, but he didn't want to pray aloud. He said he'd prefer it if I did. 

Immediately my back went up a little, I wanted him to pray, and I wanted him to pray with me, not just sit there while I prayed. 

Almost as quickly, I remembered my pledge to 'let go' and told him that I would be happy to pray for both of us, and as long as he was also praying, it didn't matter if he spoke or not. 

Now, I know this altercation doesn't look like much from the outside - but to me, this little conversation made my spirit glad. 

It was seeing my husband opening up to God again, it was me winning my inner battle for control, and together making a teeny, tiny step in the right direction. 

So yes, I rejoiced. 

We chatted about lighter things for a while, before I glanced up at the clock, it was 10pm and that was as late as I was going to talk. 

I get ridiculous the later at night it gets, I become weepy, overemotional and just get myself into the worst situations when I try to talk about deep, personal things with Husband late at night. 

So I was watching that clock, making sure that didn't happen again.  

"We should probably wrap this up for the night." I said, motioning at the clock.

"Yeah, alright....so do you want to pray?" 

I sat there for a couple seconds, surprised. I really didn't expect him to initiate time for prayer, in fact I wasn't even going to suggest it but Husband obviously felt like it was a good decision.
So we sat together, holding hands and I prayed for us as a couple, our marriage, as individuals and for our child. 
It was quick and it was sweet, and at the end of it I felt so much better and so much more hopeful. 

We are such a long. long way from a normal marriage, and our issues are big ones that we need to overcome.
But I'm starting to feel so hopeful again.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
~ Proverbs 3:5-6 

~ The Good Wife

I'm Giving Up

I am.

I am giving up on fighting for the marriage I want. 
I have learned so much this week, the Lord has really been working on my heart and I've been having to do some serious digging that has left me bruised and sore.
One of the things I keep seeing is my absolute need for control.
I have a fantasy for what my marriage should look like - how I behave and how my husband reacts. I have clung to this vision for years and it has brought me nothing but sorrow and grief.

I have done more damage to my marriage through this single issue than all other problems combined.

I have a loving husband, who loves me, provides for my family and loves our daughter. He is kind and good, but he is not perfect, and I cannot seem to be able to handle that. 

This past week I have been pushing myself to work on my communication, to be quiet and listen - to filter my words and tone before speaking, and I have amazed myself at how little patience and grace I give my husband. 

Because I am censoring myself I have been able to take notice of every single time something nasty, negative or critical wants to fly out of my mouth. 

It happened multiple times a day, almost within every conversation I found myself biting my tongue, realizing that if I hadn't been purposefully stopping myself I would have been critical again. 

It has been eye-opening.

I have realized that my husband cannot live up to my standard, and that, in fact, no man can.

My standard for how I believe I should be loved at all times in impossible for any single man to do, and it is this standard that I keep trying to measure my husband up to, then become crushed when he does not fit my expectation. 

Only Christ can fill this expectation, only Christ can give me that peace and all-encompassing love that my soul desires, and I am killing my marriage by trying to turn my husband into Christ. 

So I am giving up.

My marriage will never be the fantasy I envision, my husband will never be the perfect man I expect, and I need to recognize the wonderful man that God has given me as my husband, and love him for the flawed person he is, as he loves me. 

Giving this up, absolutely, 100% terrifies me. Stepping away, giving my husband space, allowing him to actually be the person he is, and not control how he acts or behaves in this relationship scares me. 

That horrid little voice flares up filling my head with lies:

• If you don't control his affection, he will never show it to you.
• If you don't make him be the man you want, you'll never be happy.
• If you don't nag, parent and manipulate you'll never get what you want.
• If you let go, he will abandon you.

Those are my fears, seeing them in a neat list is a little bizarre when I think how each of these statements shake me to my core in fear.

And yet never has there been any proof to support any of these fears.

"I will love you so much, and cling to you, and suffocate you, and nag you and parent you, and make you do what I want, when I want, how I want, until death do us part."

And it's so wrong.

I need to let go, I need to find peace and love through Christ and stop forcing my fantasy on my husband.

I know what I need to do, now all I can do is pray to be brave enough to actually face my fears and conquer them. 

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it."

~ Luke 9:23-24

~ The GoodWife

Dare 7: If You Can't Say Something Nice...

How do I communicate about my husband to others and to himself?
I really do try very hard not to "husband-bash" even when I'm around other wives who do, and it's so easy to giggle with other ladies about something funny or forgetful your husband has done.
But I do try to keep my husband built up when talking to others about him, but is it for my own pride, or because I really actually am proud of my husband?

We actually had a conversation about this not too long ago; Husband thought that I diminish him when I speak to my family.
I communicate in a way that totally leaves him uninvolved.
Eg. "I am going to call so-and-so." or "I am going to finally clean out the basement, take the baby out, etc."

There isn't much "we" in my communication, and it really hurts him that I forget that it was actually both of us that did this, or organized that.
This is something that I have challenged myself to really work on this past month, that I purposefully involve him in all decisions and stop making "I" sentences when I really do mean "we".

Today I came home from a quick visit from a family members, walked into the house and felt completely and totally overwhelmed.
Our schedule was hectic, the baby had been sick, Husband was getting sick and our tiny home felt more like a pig sty than a home.

I trudged up to the bedroom and found Husband relaxing, I told him I was feeling overwhelmed and our house was a bomb, and that I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.
He encouraged me to just relax and do it later - but I cannot relax in a messy house (I'm just built that way) and I didn't want him to help as I knew he was feeling sick.

I changed and gave myself a mental shake, this needed to get done now!

The baby was napping and now was optimal cleaning time, slowly I started chipping away at the cleaning when my dish washing was interrupted by a knock at the door; our elderly neighbour had stopped by to ask Husband if he would help her set up her internet and phone.
Even though Husband was tired, and feeling crappy he agreed right away and made plans to stop by this evening to hook up her internet.

I got back to work on the kitchen and encouraged Husband to rest, he told me he felt badly that I was working so hard while he relaxed.
In that moment I was overwhelmed and tired and grumpy, so I asked him to send off an email for me. Something menial, but something that I had avoided doing.

He was happy to do it and sent it off right away, he also just put a few things away that had been hanging around my kitchen for weeks driving me nuts that needed to be put on a top shelf.

Husband had done really, just a few little things, but even in doing those tiny things felt like he had taken a huge burden off of me.
I remembered to thank him right away and tell him how much I appreciated his help.

I had been so tempted to just buckle under the frustration and exhaustion, and feel like I had to do everything.
But I remembered this verse:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those whose listen." 

~Ephesians 4:29 

Lord, keep my mouth from unwholesome talk, and help me to build up my husband with my words!

~ The GoodWife

Fighting the Good Fight and Respect

Do I respect my husband?

Off the cuff I'd say "yeah, of course I do." I respect and trust him, I affirm him and are submissive to him.
In fact, the mental image of myself is quite squeaky clean and very 'Proverbs 31', that is, until reality hits and I stop respecting, affirming and submitting.

I have been following Nina Roesner's blog for a while now, as well as the peacefulwife's blog who very much recommends Nina's writing.
So when I found out she had written a new book, and that it was directed at women to feel closer to God and their husbands, I ordered it.

Now this was back in July I'm ashamed to say.

I started the Respect Dare, followed religiously for a good...6 days. Yup. Out of 40, I did 6.
It's embarrassing really.
But I am back and trying to pick it up again and keep going, last time I put it down was because at that point I just couldn't even think about respecting my husband, or focusing on him rather than myself.
I figured, I had enough of my own issues as does our marriage and I just couldn't read about ways to "fix it" because doing something like showing respect didn't really seem like it'd do much, frankly.

As I was tidying up my desk, something slipped out of one of my many notebooks (I'm a journal hoarder) and fell to the floor.
I picked it up and slowly read my own familiar writing:

"I am a calm, well-balanced woman. 
I do not stress about the future, because I have assurance in God's provision.
My husband feels loved and respected by me.
I am organized and do not eat the bread of idleness.
I am humble and give my way often and happily.
My faith is strong and fruitful because of the daily time I spend with God.
I rely on the Lord alone for my happiness, not expecting others to make my emotions a priority."

I felt tears prick my eyes, there she was.

The woman I wanted to be.

She was faithful, loving, godly, understanding and lovely.

Everything I was not.

Then I remembered why I had written this, and where it had come from.
In the first few chapters you're encouraged to write your purpose statement. It doesn't have to be who you are right now, in fact it's probably the farthest thing from the truth, but it gave you the vision of who you wanted to be.
The light at the end of the tunnel.

I had forgotten it. Forgotten my vision, my focus, and I'm starting to feel strong enough to pick myself up and strive for my goal.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept my faith." ~ 2 Timothy 4:7

I will keep fighting and keep racing until I have won.

~ The Good Wife

The Courage To Feel

I have horrible timing.

The thought flashed though my head as I sat in the office chair, arms crossed over my chest, in the pitch black with Hubby sitting up in the bed opposite me.
This was, most likely, the most sane thought I had since we had started this current argument at 12:45pm.
The clock flashed 2:00am, I chose to ignore it.

This was the third fight in 3 days over what was a stupid misunderstanding, and I could recognise that.
The reason I was still awake, my face puffy from crying wasn't because of our little spat before bed, it was the fear of sinking into that black hole again of living like roommates.

The last month had been good. So few spats, lots of loving gestures and lots of grace.

I don't know exactly when that stopped...again.

Can you base love off of fact, rather than feeling?

This was my main struggle, Husband told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, adored our child and the thought of not being together broke his heart.
So why didn't I feel any of that?

Did I think he was lying? No, I do think way, down deep he speaks truth.
In my head I see a movie of his grumpy moods, his uninterested behaviour, his 2-syllable answer to everything.
Am I missing something? Maybe I'm not noticing when he's happy? Or chatty? Or wanting to be close? Am I just biased? 

I start to doubt myself, and become ashamed of my feelings. Somewhere down inside, I start to feel badly for Husband, it's 2am, he's tired and wanted to come back to this discussion tomorrow morning.

I wouldn't let him.
He would compartmentalise it, put it in it's box and have a good solid 8-10 hours sleep.
I would toss and turn and cry and every sort of horrible thought would go through my head; how could I just leave it until tomorrow? Did he even know what he was asking?
Logically, it made sense, I understood it. We were both tired and probably not even thinking properly, to come back to it really did make the most sense, but I just couldn't accept having that horrible of a night - maybe I should have.

When do I separate emotions from logic? Where is the line drawn where I can say: "No, this is just me being oversensitive."

Are my feelings as important as fact?
To be happy do I need to always feel happy? loved? cherished?

In my head I don't think I'm asking for too much, but to have someone constantly fill those needs, is it even humanly possible?

I put my face in my hands, glad for the darkness that surrounds both of us.

"No, I don't want to give up, but right now marriage feels like a beating, and it's hard to say: "I'm good with that."

Husband agreed, I knew it wasn't any easier for him.
Finally I had a moment of clarity: "What I need to get through this, I don't think you can give." I told him. "To get through this I need to feel cherished, loved and desired. Not a burden to be endured."

He was silent, I really didn't expect much of a response at this point.

"You're not a burden." He told me.

"Well, that's how I feel."

Silence.

Again with how I feel. 
How important is how I feel?

 "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." ~ Proverbs 29:11


- The GoodWife

Pain of Pride

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate 

but through being the right mate." ~ Barnett R. Brickner

We decided to go to the marriage retreat. 

The mountain resort we stayed in was breathtaking, the rooms were gorgeous and the view spectacular. 

However, we were both there to work, and the conference took full advantage of that.
Sessions started at 9am and went until 5pm. Though there were lots of breaks and 'homework' to do, that we never felt we had been sitting too long or became uninterested.

There was maybe 100-120 people there, so quite small, which I appreciated very much.  

Topics ranged from why marriages fail, how to fight fairly, how to meet each others emotional needs, sex, intimacy, parenting and how to sustain a good marriage.

Husband and I sat side-by-side for all of it except for one 45 minutes session where the women separated from the men.

Saturday night was set aside for a "date night", something I was very much looking forward to - I had even gone and borrowed a fabulous back-less dress from a friend to wear out.
I was loving the thought of being able to primp and preen and feel that I looked desirable and sexy for Husband. 

It was no surprise that the last session on Saturday before we ended for the day was on Sex and Intimacy. 

I inwardly groaned, this was our sticking point. The largest most obvious thorn in our marriage, and we'd be having to discuss it. 

In my heart I knew this wouldn't end well.

We listened to the session then got sent away to do our 'homework', basically a page of questions, which we answer then share with your spouse.

In our room, I sat across from husband and looked at the dreary, almost depressing answers I had written down.

I had to rate my "satisfaction with our sexual intimacy" - then put the answer I thought Husband would pick. 

The surprising part was that Husband really knew how messed up our sex life was. I had thought that maybe he was ignorant to how this was happening and effecting me, but 99% of our answers matched up. 

This took me back because as the spouse with the higher libido, I had to let Husband control our sex-life, so I assumed he found our sex-life good.
After all, it was him who determined how much and when, all he had to do was call me up like some kid sitting on the bench waiting for a turn to play, and I'd happily run over. 

The talks started out very peaceable, until I realised that while we now knew where each other was coming from, this did essentially nothing to fix our problems.

My heart sank as I listened to his answers, and all I could think was: How am I supposed to go on a date with you now? I want to feel desired and romantic - how can I possibly do that with a man who finds sex so stressful he doesn't even desire it?

That's when I broke down - when I stopped restraining my tongue. 

My pride killed me. 

I felt so stupid and foolish.  I had let myself believe that this would fix things; that we could go out on our romantic date come back to our beautiful hotel room and be intimate. Like a normal couple.

The lingerie I had so carefully bought just for this occasion, mocked me from inside my suitcase.

How could I have been so stupid? The thought tore me to pieces. 

Then the Spirit moved.

I was sitting in the bathroom crying, feeling completely hopeless. 

Husband had said little, or maybe I had just heard little, but when I looked up he was standing in the doorway, his face drawn and sad.

"Things can't be fixed instantly." He said quietly. "You know I'm working on this, we both are, and we've had such a wonderful weekend so far."

"How can I go out with you now? A romantic dinner is the last place I want to be!" I cried. 

"I want to go. I want to go with you and spend time with you."

Finally my ears started to open.

"This is a process. You're not foolish for wanting things to be fixed, but we can't expect it to happen instantly. Please." He said quietly. 

I felt the Spirit whisper to me that he was speaking truth, and that I needed to listen and not harden myself. 

Something amazing happened - my sobs stopped and peace settled into my heart. 

I cleared my throat and rubbed my face. I knew how much I loved this man, and how much I wanted to be with him, and how badly I wanted to have a romantic dinner with him. 

Instead of only sensing how I felt, I suddenly saw how patient and gentle Husband was being with me, when he had every right to take offence to the nasty words I had thrown his way, how he could have blamed me, as easily as I had just blamed him.

"You're right." I admitted. "This is a process, Thank you for reminding me."

I was amazed what had just come out of my mouth, never in a million years had I thought myself to be calmed this easily over what was such a painful issue. 

Through the grace of God, and Husbands words, I was able to back away, to look at the situation and beat down my own pride.

An hour later I walked out of the resort smiling with my Husband ready for child-free, delicious dinner focusing entirely on my Husband. 

What had changed? 

Nothing. 

Nothing but my own reaction - and it had made a world of difference. 

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32

~ The Good Wife